Going Home

           I haven't written in an unforgivable amount of time, and I don't have much of an excuse except that I've been busier these past weeks than I've been in my whole life. At this point, I don't think I can remember exactly how I felt at the beginning of this year, but I know for a fact, that this year has been well more than I expected. I never expected to love so many people as much as I do now. The strangers I met at the beginning of this year are now best friends, parents, and sisters. Because of this, saying goodbye has been a very difficult feat. I have cried more today than I ever thought possible. Even though I am excited to go home, it is heartbreaking to leave my new home in Germany. This year has been the most topsy turvy roller coaster ride, but it has been the year I needed and the year I will never forget. Throughout this year, I have written my own definition of exchange, and now I realize that it is just one indescribable, difficult, messy year. Here is what I came up with:

          Exchange is the best and hardest decision one can ever make. Exchange is terrifying and unique. It’s exciting and enlightening. It makes you feel brave and adventurous, vulnerable and stupid. Exchange makes your body hurt. It makes your muscles tighten and your eyelids spasm. An exchange year is cleaning your hair out of the shower because it won’t stop falling out, and you don’t want your host family to be grossed out. It is wondering how soon you will be bald because there is no way you have much more hair left. Exchange is waiting weeks before seeing your favorite sweatpants again because they have to drip dry before you can wear them again, so you become an expert at wearing clothes for as long as possible without washing. Exchange is losing your pride. It is sitting in the bathroom on the first day of school and crying because your classmates don’t seem interested. They don’t talk to you. Exchange is learning to be alone, learning to depend on yourself and your own thoughts. It is gaining the ability to feel comfortable sitting alone on a bench with no one to keep you company apart from yourself. Exchange is lonely. It is waiting months before the first student becomes more than a classmate. It is watching your friends in your home country grow and move on without you. Exchange is letting this happen and realizing that you are doing the same, just differently. Exchange is falling in love, falling in love with places and people. It’s finding a home with new families no matter how unique or dysfunctional or crazy they are. It is realizing that your heart has a much greater capacity to love than you thought it ever could. Exchange is also about letting go. It is about meeting people who change your life and saying goodbye without knowing if you will see each other again. Exchange is stressful. Exchange is finding peace within yourself. It is realizing that what people say about you doesn’t have to affect you so much. An exchange year is about longing for affection. It’s holding your host sister’s hand because all you want some days is to feel loved or needed. It is realizing that friends are sometimes hard to make but can be found on every continent. Exchange is realizing that a year is shorter than you first imagined. It is counting down the days sometimes and then praying for more. Exchange is eating weird things. It is smiling even when you aren’t feeling your best. It is facing every day again and again no matter how hard it seems to crawl out of bed. Exchange teaches you to cry without regret, to let things go when they don’t go how you planned, and to realize that you can’t do everything alone. Exchange is being treated like a five year old because you don't know every vocabulary word. It's crying again because all you want is your best friend who is hundreds of miles away. It's realizing that you still have more than 100 days until you can hug her again. Exchange is fear; it's being afraid that you aren't learning fast enough, that they talk about you behind your back, or that when you get home you'll be a different shaped puzzle piece and won't be able to fit again. It's missing the same food over and over until you're convinced that you can taste it and nothing else tastes quite as good. Exchange is not knowing how to feel about having only 96 more days. It's wanting to get on the first plane home but also stay in your exchange life forever. It's wanting to hug the people you left behind but not wanting to leave behind any more people. It's realizing why nobody tells you how hard the last few weeks will be. Exchange is being patient with the new people you meet. It's working past the prejudices that people have for your country. It's being patient with yourself because there are days where your belief system seems to fly out the window. It's holding your breath when someone teases you or biting your tongue when you don't agree because you know that some fights aren't worth fighting. Despite all the challenges, exchange is love. It's noticing small parts of love and learning to love more. It's finally realizing that the friends you have made here are lifelong friends. It's being nervous and scared, defensive and sensitive, but it's also being strong, proud, and independent. It is the hardest year you can ever imagine, but it will make you a better person.  I know it has made me a better person. It's made me a braver person and a stronger person. I wouldn't trade this year for the world, and if I had to make the decision all over again, I'd do the same thing again. This year has not been the year I wanted or expected, but it was the year I needed. 

I'm so happy that I have had my German experience and that I have met many people who make it so hard to leave. I have truly fallen in love this year. I have found a new home, more friends, and a second family, and I cannot wait to come back and visit them and my second home Germany again.